558: TGIF

I’m so fed up with the current state of my life.

I took a day off work today, hoping to clear work. But I was so affected by the nagging and scoldings from Mummy that I broke down. She walked into my room and started complaining about the state of my all my notes and books. I was in the midst of work and I have notes laid out on my table. And it’s not that I wouldn’t pack them up after I finished my work. I wouldn’t be able to stand the sight of them being messy too. So with the stress and pressure from work, from the current state of my life (both physical and emotional) and from the parents (being not exactly very sensitive at many times), I broke down. I just left the house without telling anyone and went running. It was crazy but it started pouring so heavily when I stepped out of the block. I had wanted to run in the rain initially. But fortunately, it was a passing shower and it stopped thereafter.

I ran my usual route at 4.5km and I was crying while running. And thinking a lot as well. Then after which, I headed to the gym wanting to continue on the thread mill but it was occupied. Did some stationary cycling for a good twenty minutes at a vigorous level (hills and upslopes and all) and my thighs hurt like crazy, it felt so good.

It was a good one hour break from work and from being cooped up at home. I felt sooooo much better after all the crying and running and cycling and all the aching. Numbing myself with positive distractions. I know it’s possibly running away and avoidance from the truth and reality but it works. It keeps me from thinking too much (and negatively) as well.

My group of good friends have commented that I’m so much crazier and livelier (and in their terms, evil) now at gatherings. I know something inside me has changed. I don’t recognise some sides of me anymore, it scares me sometimes. It’s not the me I used to know long before. Is it change for the good or for the worst? I really don’t know. I really don’t know. I haven’t been the most optimistic the past many months. A good six months or so. I know I’m faltering. Where has the good ol’ optimistic me gone to?

I have been listening to many many nice new songs I’ve found while listening to 91.3FM lately. I’ve been running out of new songs to listen to lately.

Lego House by Ed Sheeran

Lullaby by Nickelback

Stereo Hearts by Gym Class Heroes ft Adam Levine

Princess of China by Coldplay ft Rihanna

Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson

And you know my favourite quote since secondary school days is “What Doesn’t Kill You Only Makes You Stronger” by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Awesome (:

557: Holes Inside

When all that you’ve tried, leaves nothing but holes inside,
It seems like you’re wired, to stay here held in time,
Cos nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing’s gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me.

Your feet are stuck, no they cannot move,
Don’t tell me that they’re glued,
They should’ve far from.
At home, at ease but give sometime to breathe

But nothing seems to change, oh no.
No nothing’s gonna change, at all.
I can see it in your face, the hope has gone away.

But if you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide.
So don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me,
Don’t walk away from me.

That everthing will be ok,
I know that it’s so easy to say,
But the pain inside will fade,
Please tell me that you’ll stay.

If we hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light.
Oh cos sometimes, fate and your dreams can collide.
When all that you’ve tried, leaves nothing but holes inside.

Protected: 556: Change the voices in your head

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555: It’s the Dragon Year!

I always ask myself, so what now?
So what does the future holds?
If you don’t speak, I don’t ask too.
How fast the sudden change of events,
Too fast for me to catch up,
It scares the hell out of me sometimes.
My future’s bleak.
’nuff said.

It’s the Chinese New Year. It ain’t something I’m looking forward to anymore. As a child, we would look forward to CNY. But not anymore.
I only want the holidays to pass by real slowly. I only want time to creep by real slowly. I only want 72 hours or more in a day. Pretty please.

Too much feasting during the CNY season. Reunion dinners filled with plates of food, coffee-tables filled with goodies and snacks. This year, I’m a little sick of eating, which is good to stop me from overfeasting. And I need to revert back to my healthy lifestyle again!!! I went running this morning again, and I hit a new personal distance record. 4.5KM because I tried a new route today. It’s funny because I didn’t run that early this morning and I would expect that there would be many people running. Funnily, I only spotted a few souls en-route to the park this morning. I would expect the usual number of runners on the roads but there weren’t many! I was thinking to myself that perhaps, since it’s the CNY season, their notion was to “EAT FIRST, EXERCISE LATER”? I don’t know! Haha!

CNY is just another boring holiday. All I want to do is to to stay at home and do my work (!!!) and not go out visiting! All the deadlines are screaming at me. Alright, but I’ll take one step at a time. I know I can do this, Rina! (:

554: Fix You

The song is hauntingly beautiful.

When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you’re too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you’re worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Tears stream down on your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I…

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

553: You are my world

Essentially at the end of the day, when you’re feeling so helpless and down and you find that there’s no one to be there to listen to you cry and whine, you’re just glad that you’ve got family to be there for you. The people around me who can perhaps understand me a bit better, are probably just so equally busy with their lives as well. I find it so apologetic to bother them with my problems as well, they might find me a nuisance. But I really miss having some of them around, I miss their presence ):

I know that essentially at the end of the day, I have only myself to count on to find my own way. I may be losing myself, losing my purpose in my life right at this point of time. I probably need to find a new perspective. I need to see things in another light so that I wouldn’t feel so jaded and down.

Talking about family, I’m thankful for their presence. I don’t speak of my problems with them, because I don’t wish to worry them with my problems. So most of the time, I’ll have a smile plastered across my face to let them know that I’m doing okay. As for whether I’m actually okay, god knows. The skies are kind of gloomy and overcast over here in recent weeks (and months) and nothing that I do seems to inject into me a permanent state of happiness.

Just today, doing things with the family, just putting aside everything, not thinking about life, about work, can be really therapeutic. It may appear as a form of escapism. But I’m just thankful for their presence although I know that they wouldn’t be able to help me much. I know that they love me a lot and their way of expressing their love for me transcends all forms (words and all). I love my Daddy, my Mummy and my (always-will-be-little) sister. I understand that the sister is growing up, she needs her space and I know that there are major changes in her life right now which I wouldn’t want to question her about. I know Daddy was under a lot of stress in his previous job so I’m really glad that he’s moving on to greener pastures. His new job sounds pretty cool cause’ his job title sounds pretty fantastic and he has so many engineers under him. My Daddy is pro (: I hope he’ll be doing better at his new job. And he can retire soon in years to come when the sister graduates too! I love my family. Although I don’t show it outright (I never do), but if someone dares to bully any one of them, they’ll have to get through me first.

I love my family. We just spent close to two hours in the night singing random karaoke songs at home. And we had to stop by 11pm for fear of complaints from the neighbours. The parents recently bought a karaoke set and it’s pretty cool. I never expected my parents to be so cool to buy a karaoke set of all things! Haha so happy, they were singing their hokkien and old chinese and english songs while Sis and I were singing our random chinese songs (the likes of 周杰伦，刘若英， 林俊杰，五月天。。。）and random english songs (the likes of Lenka, Snow Patrol, Celine Dion, Adele, Taylor Swift, Evanescence…). It was such great fun, laughing at Mummy’s off pitches and Daddy’s over-dramatic singing. Oh gosh, it’s been a while (seriously a long long while） since we had so much fun together as a family.

We’ve all grown up and so busy with our studies and work that I find that the time we spend with one another is becoming much lesser. Even on a weekday, we seldom speak. I leave the house really early in the morning only to reach home for dinner late (by the time, all of them would have eaten). By then, after bath and all, I would be locked up in my room doing my work and it’s been a while since we had any heart-to-heart talks. Still, I want to say that I love my family a lot a lot.

Whatever that may come, rock my world or capsize my life, come bring it on. I may appear weak and down and depressed but you don’t know the real me. I’m a strong girl. I may falter but I’ll stand up strong again. Go Rina Go!（：

552: world-weary and jaded

World-weary and jaded.

Just lately, I find that I’m losing my grasp in life. There are so many things I want to do. I want to sleep early. Sleep is the number one item on my list of “needs”. I’m sleeping everywhere nowadays. On the bus to work, sometimes while studying in the library during lunchtime, on the bus home from work. It’s great being able to lunch alone these days! It’s been a while and I really miss spending time alone, away from work and people. It’s just me with my simple lunch, and plugged into some music, seated at the waiting area at the workplace. Just therapeutic after a tiring morning at work (: I’m not bothered at all about the stares I may garner for being a loner. Haha!

I need sleep. Just last night, I had this piercingly painful leg (calf?) cramp while asleep and it woke me up because it was so terribly painful, I remember I teared or cried. Plus, it lasted for quite some time and the pain was pulling and unbearable. Had similar episodes before in the past and they were all terribly painful. It’s probably my body telling me that I need rest ):

Chinese new year is coming and I don’t know why I’m so depressed and not looking forward to it. The only lovely thing about CNY is being able to don pretty dresses, which I have too many of them – new and unworn, that there isn’t a need to go shopping specially for them.

These are only but a few! Gasp! Colours and prints (:

World-weary and jaded. I’m finally going running early tomorrow morning before work. I’m finally much better after being sick for three weeks, thankfully. I hate being sick and it’s terrible being sick for such a long period, without seemingly getting better at all.

551: :(

I got this huge feeling about this.
Either ways, it’s not right or responsible. There should not be assumptions. Because all I hear are excuses.

The winds of change are too quick for me to catch up. Now everything’s turning into dislike.

So what really happened? I’m possibly falling apart and hanging on a cliff. Can anyone hear?

I am so tired.

550: New York

If you were here beside me
Instead of in New York
If the curve of you was curved on me
I’d tell you that I loved you
Before I even knew you
Cause I loved the simple thought of you

If our hearts are never broken
Well there’s no joy in the mending
There’s so much this hurt can teach us both
Though there’s distance and there’s silence
Your words have never left me
They’re the prayer that I say every day.

Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here

The lone neon lights
And the heat of the ocean
And the fire that was starting to spark
I miss it all, from the love to the lightning
And the lack of it snaps, me in two

If you were here beside me
Instead of in New York
Of the arms you said you’d never leave
I’d tell you that it’s simple
And it was only ever thus
There is nowhere else that I belong

Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here
Come on, come out, come here, come here

The lone neon lights
And the heat of the ocean
And the fire that was starting to spark
I miss it all from the love to the lightning
And the lack of it snaps, me in two
Just give me a sign
There’s an end with a beginning
To the quiet chaos driving me back

The lone neon lights
And the warmth of the ocean
And the fire that was starting to go out.

549: fee-fi-fo-fum

I wanna flee.