568: I still feel all alone

Goodnight world.

Rina’s really tired.

So many things have happened all this while.

Just today, got the news that the parents brought Ah Ma to NUH A&E because of her blood pressure. She’s now under observation in NUH. I pray and hope it’s nothing major and she’ll be alright. And just days ago, we had our first ever pretty big dispute within my group of close friends. It’s so ridiculous and trivial, the immature ways of a friend’s bf made a few of us mad. I mean, after all, the four of us have known each other for at least 9 years. This can’t exactly break us down. It just made me realise how fragile human relationships are.

Nothing seems right in place at this point of time. So many indefinites, so many uncertainties. Nothing seems to be going right at this moment in time. I’m ‘smiling’ through life, a plastered smile to reassure others that I’m fine, concealing what’s within with a strong front. It really gets very tiring having to put on this tough front everyday. I’ve been the listening ear for many over the many many years. But now, there’s nobody close whom I can truly talk to.

Even in a group of close friends, there may be one whom you are definitely closer to. My one such lovely friend dropped in for the Chinese New Year break but she’s on the plane back to Beijing now. Having her around the past weeks (and trying to really meet up although everyone’s so busy) made me realise how much I’ve missed having her around. She’s the one I’m closest to in the group, the one I shared my room with during our travels, the one I feel most comfortable sharing all my secrets with, the one I can totally be at ease with, knowing that she wouldn’t judge me for who I am. I am already missing you, my lovely friend.

It’s tiring. I’m already feeling very very tired. Numbing myself with work and studying for the upcoming vivas and board exam will at least prevent me from thinking too much and worrying about the unnecessary. Maybe just a tiny bit.

I’m reminded of my favourite Michael Buble song “Home” once again. This particular part of the song has struck a chord with me.

May be surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone

Many have said that I’m blessed with family and good friends. But funnily, I know that I may be surrounded by many people (people whom I know will definitely show some concern if I reach out to them), but I still feel all alone.