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659: How do you start trusting again?

thumbnail_fullsizerenderYears and months on, I think it’s time to be honest with myself that things will never be the same as before. Sometimes, we all need a break, away in a place, all alone, to figure everything out. The 4 months of intensive schooling was a good ‘break’, because I was kept too busy to even think about ‘matters’ (I would often use my studying as ‘excuses’). And then, came the recent holidays (post-exams) and I asked myself what I truly wanted in my life.

So I’ve decided to come clean on my life today. This was a deep dark secret that I have buried in my heart for years/months – I was afraid of being judged (by family, by close friends, by colleagues, by classmates, by mutual friends). But this was bothering me for such a long time that I’ve finally decided that I needed a ‘break’, I needed to walk away, I needed to break free.

I may have appeared ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ in my social media life (Instagram and all – but IG is probably just 5-10% of my actual life, it’s really not all so rosy/pretty), but it was probably all a ‘cover or mask’ for all the hurt and sadness that I’m going through all these while.

Have you had the closest people in your life turn against you in the most unimaginable manner ever? The ones who are close enough to make a mess out of your life, the ones whom you confide in, are intimate with. That someone who make you fall in love for the very first time, make you feel like what it’s like to have butterflies in your stomach, that someone who will be the definition of your happiness, the someone who will hold your hand like they will never let you go and will make you feel wanted and needed. One day, that someone will come into your life to change who you are and make you realize that you don’t need anyone else. As long as there is someone who loves you – that is enough.

But one day, you’re so special. The next day, you’re no longer.

So how do you trust again? How do you trust after a betrayal or infidelity?

God knows what happened – there was a period of time when I struggled with myself, with my feelings (on whether I should walk away). I was living in the ‘dark’ emo days – I could clearly remember the morning I cried on the train home after a long tiring 12-hours night shift. How do you trust someone who has not once or twice (but possibly many times) broken your heart again and again? I was foolish enough to forgive for the 1st and the 2nd time (even though I really felt like walking away then). But I honestly don’t wish to make the same mistake again. Our mutual friends probably do not know this part of my story nor do I wish to wash ‘dirty linen’ in public, but honestly, I’ve really had enough. Could it be that I have given way too much in the past or have been too nice? A leopard really doesn’t change its spots, does it?

I’m not going to sit here and cry about it. But I am all about gaining clarity in my life, and having your relationships flipped on you the way you have experienced, leading you to being hardened to a certain degree.

How do you learn to trust again?

I think the answer lies in trusting your instincts. Honing your intuitive abilities and taking that leap of faith again. Betrayal is no joke. We’re never really prepared for it when it comes. It hits us and then you’re left picking up the pieces. It’s a decision to make. When someone makes a decision that is particularly destructive, you have to make a decision yourself – to walk away or not.

I mean things do happen for a reason, people come into your life for a reason. Some come to our lives but sooner or later, they may leave. Those who truly do want to stay on in your lives do. But for now, self-love is the most important type of love you can work on in your life. There’s probably some positive light to being betrayed – it opens your eyes, it tests your resilience, opens up opportunities to start over in your life or focus on the next big thing in your life (eg. my studies).

How to trust again? Trust is a beautiful thing AND I have faith that it will reappear in my life when the right circumstances allow for it. But for now I have to just navigate through life and only trust myself. Keep calm and go on. Keep breathing. All those people who came to your life have their own purpose. Don’t give up. Always make room for others in your heart because you can never know the impact that someone can make on your life.

I may not always make the right decisions, but at least I know my choices have my best interests at heart. All the other matters are secondary for now (our families and mutual friends etc). Because I need to love myself more.

Right now, I think I may have finally summoned the courage to walk away.

Be happy for Rina, will you? 🙂

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657: Stressed Out

“Stressed Out”

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.


656: 9th January

And so one weekend evening, I cooked dinner of nyonya chap chye, sweet and sour pork and baked beans with egg.


656: 8th January

Woke up disappointed that I had no motivation for the weekend, decided to take on the world early with a 10km run!

Some good news but I don’t know, why are you affecting my every emotion? Sigh, I feel crippled.

There are some issues which i’m still avoiding until now. Family and a close friend have brought it to my attention and I’ve chosen to ignore it. It isn’t that I am not aware of it, I just don’t have the courage to face it. I’m afraid that everything will change from then on, and I’ll lose everything I have at the moment, I’ll lose you and everyone else.

It’s so foolish of me, I know. Because I’m willing to give everything a chance and just trust. After all, ignorance is bliss. I’m such a silly foolish girl, blinded by everything.

But because I’m afraid everything will change, I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.

I’m willing to lay my trust that you’ll give me that very bit of respect, that you have that little bit of self-respect.

I pray.

Goodnight.

 

 


655: 7th January 

backdating entries, but spent the entire day all by myself. Me-time?

Woke up late but struggled for a short 7.5km around the hood, came home to a cup of matcha latte 🙂

   
  Headed out, dressed up, deviating from the usual shorts & tee and with my new pair of shoes!

  
  Came home to make a poached salmon with dill sauce for dinner!  
 Ended off with a random chocolate chips cookies bake 🙂  


654: Disappointed

You know, I can’t help feeling disappointed. T’was looking forward to the weekends but it’s going to be another lonely lonely weekend.


651: Human

I feel happy again.

The initial tension before the breaking of the ice, appreciating every word, touch and smile we share.

It’s the people around you who matter.

Thank you for making me happy and blessed again.


650: Trust

So they say, “Trust is a decision. Trust is the waking, conscious choice to invest in another human being because you know that even if they betray you, you’ll be okay.”

We are an extremely infidelious nation.

We work hard to build up lives that we’re proud of: jobs we’re happy with, homes we cherish, friends and families who surround us with love. The possibility of inviting another person in to share in all of that, without the guarantee that it’s going to work out, can be paralyzing. How do we know they won’t turn on us? How do we know it’ll work out?

And the truth is, we don’t. Whether or not we can trust someone will always be a tough bet to wager. But it’s also a futile guessing game. And it’s one that can destroy your entire relationship before it even begins.

Just two days back, I felt like such a big fool, it’s the point when you realized that your entire life has been a huge mistake from the start, when you’ve misplaced your trust in someone you trust so much.

And you start doubting anyone and EVERYYONE, you start thinking if it’s because you suck at judging someone, to allow someone that close to you, to end up hurting your heart.

Just like I asked “Can I trust you?” anymore…

I have so many burning questions, so many wandering thoughts. All the talk and promises, are they for real? If they were, why do I feel like I do not know you at all? Why do I find that there’s so many sides of you I wished I had knew earlier before I made the decisions I had to in life. I had to run away, to walk away from everything because I don’t think my heart deserves to be broken like that.

So many burning questions, like why you do the things you do (and if I really wish to know what exactly they are), why do people lie (and how I’ve been treated like a stupid fool all along), why do you make me feel as if you’re such a stranger (and I barely know you now)… Perhaps everything has lost its novelty with time, perhaps you want excitement, perhaps I’m not doing well enough…?

I may not be perfect (who is?), but were all the dreams we’ve painted all lies from the past? Were all the words you’ve said all just words (and lies)?

So many questions I’ve been dying to ask…

But because I care too much just to walk away, I wanted to know the reasons why you’re doing so. That this was probably a mistake you made in your course of life and that you were willing to change, and that if you cared, you wouldn’t want to break my heart again. Because I care too much, I believe in the innate goodness of human relationships, I am willing to give people chances to change, only if they are truly sincere and genuine to.

If I gave you one, will you?

And if you were in my shoes, what will you do?

 

 


648: 感动

Achievement unlocked – conquered my fear, presented in front of a crowd of close to 100, sharing something very close to my heart.

I can’t help tearing after that.

It was a speech I made to my sister on her wedding day.

 


645: Picnic time!:)