664: Uneasy

Got angry last night with V over the most trivial of things. I really dislike it when I feel like I’m leaching off people (esp finances), so wanted him to claim the expenditure. But he refused and I got mad, started a cold war with him. Though secretly wishing and hoping that he’ll realize and relent but he went to sleep on his own.

So that was my limit when he closed the bedroom door on me.

Got quite upset; contemplated going back home but it was already close to 12am. So ended up camping on the sofa the entire night.

He probably did not realize anything amiss anyway, or didn’t even realize that I wasn’t sleeping beside him. Got a little angry and upset that maybe I’m not very important after all.

Maybe I’m not needed at all. Maybe I’m not important.

So I got even more sad just thinking about it, cried myself to bed.

Woke up wanting to disappear ASAP to work 😦

663: Made a fool

Somedays, I wonder how foolish I have been in the 4 years that I was in a relationship with you. I don’t look back at the times anymore. It’s just me blaming myself “how stupid I was” to stay on, despite you breaking my trust umpteen times. How stupid I was to not know how superficial a person you were through and through. How stupid I was to even go through LASIK just to make myself prettier (and less nerdy).

You are so toxic.

As much as I’ve tried to be nice, and wished for you only the best in your years ahead, I now take it all back. You are such a superficial trash. Come on, look at yourself first…

UGH how stupid I was.

662: So are you ready?

So I’ve been in a relationship, for the last 2 years and 3 months (though close to 3 years since we’ve known one another) with someone. V is a really great guy, funny, kind, attentive to detail- being around him just made me feel safe and secure. I look forward to weekends when I get to see him, and I still get that fluttery feeling when he slips his hand into mine.

And so the parents, uncle, aunt, sister, and even the niece have been pressuring me into marriage.

“Yiyi, when are you getting married?” >.<

And just last Sunday, when I shared that little part of me I thought he knew. So truth be told – me and the then ex had applied for a BTO just close to a year after dating. And because I felt that there was no longer any love in our relationship (and the cheating yadah-yadah happened as well), it was pointless trying to rebuilt all that trust. So I made the move to break up, and we had to give up the house. Obviously, any sound person would think twice about giving up all the money that was locked into the BTO. But to me, it was pointless if that was how I was going to live my life for the next many decades, being with someone I find it so hard to love anymore. I was not ready to settle for this, for anybody, for anything. There was just no more love anymore. Looking back, it was probably one of the best decisions of my life. Ever.

So back to V – he’s great, really. Do you sometimes feel as if someone was just meant for you? I don’t know if anybody else believes in soulmates. But somehow, deep within me, I know he is the one for me. He makes me happy even in the littlest of ways. He is absolutely sweet and so dear.

So the other day after that disclosure, he casually asked, “So are you ready?”

Wished I could say – I am. You will sometimes, never ever be ready for anything, for anything life throws at you. But with you, I am ready. So long as you are by me, supporting me in my every decision.

I have never been so sure, about someone.

661: These strange times

4 years and 11 days on, I’ve decided to revive this little space of mine, hidden in this strange dark closet for way too long. Now 33, and no longer that very extremely emo 20-something, wrecked by broken trust, full of self-doubt, and plagued with worries.

–

And have you taken the time today to ask a friend, a loved one, a colleague, an acquaintance, a stranger, how their day has been today?

It doesn’t have to be a long phone-call conversation, or a long email. It can be just a friendly buzz or a text. Or even sharing a cute image of a fat cat (that is assuming that he/she is into fat cats) or a laughable meme on instagram.

“Friend, I thought of you today. How has your day/week been?”

I just think it’s a really nice feeling to feel important to someone for just that tiny while. It doesn’t have to be a long 30-minute call. It can be just a short 1-minute conversation on Whatsapp.

“There are people in the world who think only about themselves. They don’t care what happens to other people so long as they get what they want. They put other people down to me themselves feel important. “Then there are people who do the opposite, who are able to imagine how others must feel, and make sure that they don’t do things that hurt people. “So,” she said, looking me squarely in the eye. “Which kind of person do you want to be?”
― Barack Obama, A Promised Land

With the ongoing COVID situation in Singapore right now, where WFH and HBL have become the default, I’m pretty sure there exists people from the two extremes i.e. those who hate the thought of it, and those who don’t. Businesses are affected, the quiet malls, hawkers, eateries – a rather sad lonely sight (though I must say I really enjoy my quiet peaceful bus/MRT rides.) Hawkers sitting with their food nicely laid out and prettily lit, waiting for non-existent customers to come by. I’m pretty sure with the current ‘pandemic’ inducing a considerable degree of fear, worry, stress and concern, it is probably taking a HUGE toll on mental health.

How about taking some time today (5 minutes?) to ask a friend, a loved one, a colleague, an acquaintance, a stranger, how their day has been today ?

Hi friend, how has your day been?

I’m so tired, so tired of life.

It’s okay, i’m here.

❤

660: You are Worth More Than Maybes

“Say something I’m giving up on you.”

Feels like deja vu all over again, just like what happened 6 years ago. The peaks and troughs, the rollercoaster ride of emotions, they hold you up so high (and it was magical), and then you’re suddenly at a deep low, no answers, just lost. And then they ghost. They disappear from your life, they don’t reply your messages or merely appear disinterested but yet, they secretly ‘stalk’ to see how you are doing on your social media accounts.

“You are worth more than almosts. You are worth more than likes on instagram and snaps. You are worth more than random texts and inconsistent behavior. You are worth more than someone who texts back days later or forgets to respond. You are worth more than poor communication and broken promises.”

As I look back and think about all those that you’ve written, it feels like ‘crap’ now. You’re just another loser, another jerk, another douchebag who is undeserving of my love. Perhaps I’m a diehard hopeless romantic. But this is not how you should be treating a girl if you truly like her (what about “I like you too much for that?” crap.

Maybe you had options. And I was just one of them, or that you were just trying your luck (and it happened to be an easy-getter, you derive no enjoyment out of it).

“You are worth more than sometimes. You are worth more than being a second choice. You are worth more than someone who occasionally makes time for you. You are worth more than someone who doesn’t make an effort to be in your life more or try to spend more time with you. You are worth more than someone who keeps you guessing and waiting because they’re not clear. You are worth more than someone who cares more about their other options than you.”

Obviously. I know that. But I don’t why I keep going back to you again and again. Wishing you could just reply that you’ve thought things through and you wanted something more than what it is right now. Because right now, I’m a mess. I’m so utterly confused by what you want.

Because, girl…

“You are worth more than questions. You deserve answers. You deserve someone who shows up and doesn’t make you doubt yourself. You are worth more than someone who keeps playing games and is still trying to figure out how they feel about you. You deserve someone who is strong enough for you. Someone who holds on. Someone who doesn’t let go easily.

You are worth more than sweet nothings. You deserve more than just a few compliments or drunk texts. You deserve more than someone who keeps leading you on but never follows up. You are worth more than someone who keeps promising you love but goes on to break your heart. You are worth more than someone who leaves. You deserve someone who stays.

You are worth more than half-hearted love. You are worth more than someone who makes you cry or someone who makes you give up on love. You are worth more than someone who keeps you staring at your phone waiting for a text or a call. You are worth more than someone who doesn’t know how to love you.

You are worth more than goodbyes. You are worth more than rejections or someone who picks someone else over you. You deserve more than someone who decided to quit, someone who walked away too fast and someone who left without closure. You are worth more than someone who didn’t choose you. You deserve to be someone’s only choice.”

And if this guy does not see you as what you are, walk away. You deserve better. Don’t think. Living well is the best revenge right now. And I wish you well, if that’s how you’re treating every lady, you don’t deserve any love at all.

 

659: How do you start trusting again?

Years and months on, I think it’s time to be honest with myself that things will never be the same as before. Sometimes, we all need a break, away in a place, all alone, to figure everything out. The 4 months of intensive schooling was a good ‘break’, because I was kept too busy to even think about ‘matters’ (I would often use my studying as ‘excuses’). And then, came the recent holidays (post-exams) and I asked myself what I truly wanted in my life.

So I’ve decided to come clean on my life today. This was a deep dark secret that I have buried in my heart for years/months – I was afraid of being judged (by family, by close friends, by colleagues, by classmates, by mutual friends). But this was bothering me for such a long time that I’ve finally decided that I needed a ‘break’, I needed to walk away, I needed to break free.

I may have appeared ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ in my social media life (Instagram and all – but IG is probably just 5-10% of my actual life, it’s really not all so rosy/pretty), but it was probably all a ‘cover or mask’ for all the hurt and sadness that I’m going through all these while.

Have you had the closest people in your life turn against you in the most unimaginable manner ever? The ones who are close enough to make a mess out of your life, the ones whom you confide in, are intimate with. That someone who make you fall in love for the very first time, make you feel like what it’s like to have butterflies in your stomach, that someone who will be the definition of your happiness, the someone who will hold your hand like they will never let you go and will make you feel wanted and needed. One day, that someone will come into your life to change who you are and make you realize that you don’t need anyone else. As long as there is someone who loves you – that is enough.

But one day, you’re so special. The next day, you’re no longer.

So how do you trust again? How do you trust after a betrayal or infidelity?

God knows what happened – there was a period of time when I struggled with myself, with my feelings (on whether I should walk away). I was living in the ‘dark’ emo days – I could clearly remember the morning I cried on the train home after a long tiring 12-hours night shift. How do you trust someone who has not once or twice (but possibly many times) broken your heart again and again? I was foolish enough to forgive for the 1st and the 2nd time (even though I really felt like walking away then). But I honestly don’t wish to make the same mistake again. Our mutual friends probably do not know this part of my story nor do I wish to wash ‘dirty linen’ in public, but honestly, I’ve really had enough. Could it be that I have given way too much in the past or have been too nice? A leopard really doesn’t change its spots, does it?

I’m not going to sit here and cry about it. But I am all about gaining clarity in my life, and having your relationships flipped on you the way you have experienced, leading you to being hardened to a certain degree.

How do you learn to trust again?

I think the answer lies in trusting your instincts. Honing your intuitive abilities and taking that leap of faith again. Betrayal is no joke. We’re never really prepared for it when it comes. It hits us and then you’re left picking up the pieces. It’s a decision to make. When someone makes a decision that is particularly destructive, you have to make a decision yourself – to walk away or not.

I mean things do happen for a reason, people come into your life for a reason. Some come to our lives but sooner or later, they may leave. Those who truly do want to stay on in your lives do. But for now, self-love is the most important type of love you can work on in your life. There’s probably some positive light to being betrayed – it opens your eyes, it tests your resilience, opens up opportunities to start over in your life or focus on the next big thing in your life (eg. my studies).

How to trust again? Trust is a beautiful thing AND I have faith that it will reappear in my life when the right circumstances allow for it. But for now I have to just navigate through life and only trust myself. Keep calm and go on. Keep breathing. All those people who came to your life have their own purpose. Don’t give up. Always make room for others in your heart because you can never know the impact that someone can make on your life.

I may not always make the right decisions, but at least I know my choices have my best interests at heart. All the other matters are secondary for now (our families and mutual friends etc). Because I need to love myself more.

Right now, I think I may have finally summoned the courage to walk away.

Be happy for Rina, will you? 🙂

657: Stressed Out

“Stressed Out”

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

656: 9th January

And so one weekend evening, I cooked dinner of nyonya chap chye, sweet and sour pork and baked beans with egg.

656: 8th January

Woke up disappointed that I had no motivation for the weekend, decided to take on the world early with a 10km run!

Some good news but I don’t know, why are you affecting my every emotion? Sigh, I feel crippled.

There are some issues which i’m still avoiding until now. Family and a close friend have brought it to my attention and I’ve chosen to ignore it. It isn’t that I am not aware of it, I just don’t have the courage to face it. I’m afraid that everything will change from then on, and I’ll lose everything I have at the moment, I’ll lose you and everyone else.

It’s so foolish of me, I know. Because I’m willing to give everything a chance and just trust. After all, ignorance is bliss. I’m such a silly foolish girl, blinded by everything.

But because I’m afraid everything will change, I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.

I’m willing to lay my trust that you’ll give me that very bit of respect, that you have that little bit of self-respect.

I pray.

Goodnight.

 

 

655: 7th January

backdating entries, but spent the entire day all by myself. Me-time?

Woke up late but struggled for a short 7.5km around the hood, came home to a cup of matcha latte 🙂

   
  Headed out, dressed up, deviating from the usual shorts & tee and with my new pair of shoes!

  
  Came home to make a poached salmon with dill sauce for dinner!  
 Ended off with a random chocolate chips cookies bake 🙂