Years and months on, I think it’s time to be honest with myself that things will never be the same as before. Sometimes, we all need a break, away in a place, all alone, to figure everything out. The 4 months of intensive schooling was a good ‘break’, because I was kept too busy to even think about ‘matters’ (I would often use my studying as ‘excuses’). And then, came the recent holidays (post-exams) and I asked myself what I truly wanted in my life.
So I’ve decided to come clean on my life today. This was a deep dark secret that I have buried in my heart for years/months – I was afraid of being judged (by family, by close friends, by colleagues, by classmates, by mutual friends). But this was bothering me for such a long time that I’ve finally decided that I needed a ‘break’, I needed to walk away, I needed to break free.
I may have appeared ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ in my social media life (Instagram and all – but IG is probably just 5-10% of my actual life, it’s really not all so rosy/pretty), but it was probably all a ‘cover or mask’ for all the hurt and sadness that I’m going through all these while.
Have you had the closest people in your life turn against you in the most unimaginable manner ever? The ones who are close enough to make a mess out of your life, the ones whom you confide in, are intimate with. That someone who make you fall in love for the very first time, make you feel like what it’s like to have butterflies in your stomach, that someone who will be the definition of your happiness, the someone who will hold your hand like they will never let you go and will make you feel wanted and needed. One day, that someone will come into your life to change who you are and make you realize that you don’t need anyone else. As long as there is someone who loves you – that is enough.
But one day, you’re so special. The next day, you’re no longer.
So how do you trust again? How do you trust after a betrayal or infidelity?
God knows what happened – there was a period of time when I struggled with myself, with my feelings (on whether I should walk away). I was living in the ‘dark’ emo days – I could clearly remember the morning I cried on the train home after a long tiring 12-hours night shift. How do you trust someone who has not once or twice (but possibly many times) broken your heart again and again? I was foolish enough to forgive for the 1st and the 2nd time (even though I really felt like walking away then). But I honestly don’t wish to make the same mistake again. Our mutual friends probably do not know this part of my story nor do I wish to wash ‘dirty linen’ in public, but honestly, I’ve really had enough. Could it be that I have given way too much in the past or have been too nice? A leopard really doesn’t change its spots, does it?
I’m not going to sit here and cry about it. But I am all about gaining clarity in my life, and having your relationships flipped on you the way you have experienced, leading you to being hardened to a certain degree.
How do you learn to trust again?
I think the answer lies in trusting your instincts. Honing your intuitive abilities and taking that leap of faith again. Betrayal is no joke. We’re never really prepared for it when it comes. It hits us and then you’re left picking up the pieces. It’s a decision to make. When someone makes a decision that is particularly destructive, you have to make a decision yourself – to walk away or not.
I mean things do happen for a reason, people come into your life for a reason. Some come to our lives but sooner or later, they may leave. Those who truly do want to stay on in your lives do. But for now, self-love is the most important type of love you can work on in your life. There’s probably some positive light to being betrayed – it opens your eyes, it tests your resilience, opens up opportunities to start over in your life or focus on the next big thing in your life (eg. my studies).
How to trust again? Trust is a beautiful thing AND I have faith that it will reappear in my life when the right circumstances allow for it. But for now I have to just navigate through life and only trust myself. Keep calm and go on. Keep breathing. All those people who came to your life have their own purpose. Don’t give up. Always make room for others in your heart because you can never know the impact that someone can make on your life.
I may not always make the right decisions, but at least I know my choices have my best interests at heart. All the other matters are secondary for now (our families and mutual friends etc). Because I need to love myself more.
Right now, I think I may have finally summoned the courage to walk away.
Be happy for Rina, will you? 🙂