The 4th trimester

Finally found time and energy to put this down in words – it has been an amazing journey so far with little Atlas. Motherhood has really been a rollercoaster ride – it has literally been the hardest thing that has happened, and yet, also one of the most rewarding gift ever.

1. Birth

Little Atlas came earlier than expected and we were not prepared. I was originally intending to clear all my remaining leave from last year the week after to settle down, pack and prepare for his birth. But obviously, life had other plans for us. We were into the delivery suite at 0730H in the monring, and little Atlas was already out by 1725H. The contraction pains were not bothersome at all and they just felt like a stronger form of menstrual cramps, with slight pain radiating to the lower back (perhaps I have a higher pain threshold). When Atlas was out and crying, I broke down and cried++ (just too emotional). Cried++ even more when I saw my mum outside the delivery suite.

2. Breastfeeding

Literally nobody taught me how to breastfeed or even pump. Delivered Atlas over the weekend and the lactation consultant that the ward team promised who will come over to guide and teach me was apparently off-call over the weekend (erm ok, nvm). So had to resort to Google and social media to learn more about breastfeeding/ breastmilk expression. Thankfully, the confinement nanny also did help and guide me as well. But all the sleepless nights and q2-3 hourly direct latch and pump were really getting to me. For a moment in time, I was so depressed and stressed that I was not getting enough milk (e.g. only yielding 50-60mL during every 2-3 hourly pump) and that little Atlas was drinking way more than that. It did not help that social media was plastered with mothers showing off their bottles-full or freezer-full of breast milk (probably oversuppliers) and you just feel so inferior that you are not providing your baby enough.

But gradually with time, from all the hard work remembering the 2-3 hourly pump (even while solo parenting), eating a well-balanced diet and the initial power pumping, thankfully my milk supply regulated and I was able to provide Atlas with sufficient milk for the day (and even had a bit of surplus daily to add to my freezer stash).

For as long as I can, mama will try to provide you with breastmilk as long as I can.

3. The 4th trimester

Little Atlas was a very “gassy” baby right from birth (thankfully things are way better now that he has turne 3 month old). I still remember the very first night when the confinement nanny left us, both Victor and I barely slept! He was crying so much and we couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. We were so worried and later consulted mummy who provided us with some advice. We then realised that it was probably from all the gas. So with every feed, both Victor and I had to spend some time (a good 20-30 minutes sometimes) trying to burp him so that he will feel comfortable enough to sleep. And if he does sleep well after milk, we will always “count our blessings” (lol). After putting him down on his cot, we will often spy at him through the webcam. When he wakes up soon after his eyes wide open, we know that we haven’t completely burped him well enough.

And thankfully, one fine day when he turned 2.5-3 months old, we realised that he is much better now and we did not need to burp him as much anymore. That’s when we know that life has changed for the better HAHA lol. Of course, life throws you another set of new challenges now. At 4m+, he is just very easily distracted while feeding, just too curious about this whole new world around him.

4. Motherhood

It has been a rollercoaster. Life’s priorities have changed. Possibly the hardest things I’ve experienced so far. Your body feels so different now – dieting is not a question because you still need to produce milk for Atlas. At times, you are so tired. But you also want to soak up every moment with Atlas. You miss your freedom and your me-time. But when you had to leave your baby just for a while, you miss your baby so much. When you had to leave your baby in the care of others for a while because of work, you were feeling so guilty.

The first day of school/ ifc drop-off, your heart broke because you are so sad and guilty that you are putting your baby in a foreign environment. Till today, you still feel that mum’s guilt at every school drop-off and pickup. And I cannot imagine how I will feel when I do start work.

(TBC)

25 July 2025

The first trimester: nausea, nausea, nausea, the food aversions, FTS normal, high risk for preeclampsia, started aspirin after aspirin desensitization. thankful that the nausea stopped after.

The second trimester: feeling so much better after the nausea was gone, the energy has returned, food aversions gone. then got diagnosed with GDM at week 25-26 after failing my 2-hour post-glucose by 0.2 mmol/L (can this even be an assay error) and was upset for a while. plus the glucometer was giving me higher than borderline pre- and post-prandial meal readings despite me cutting down on carbs and all. was so depressed at one point that I started questioning what I did wrong, all I want is for baby A to grow well and healthy. almost wanted to give up and ask for metformin. Then I decided to get myself another glucometer (the one recommended by the hospital – Abbott’s Optium Freestyle Neo)

The third trimester: And then voila! I realised the discrepant readings between the first glucometer and my new Optium Freestyle! With the Optium, my pre-prandial readings were ideal 4+ (target 4.4-5.5) and post-prandial readings were ideal 4-5 plus (target 5.5-6.6), which made more sense. Got the help from the nurses at ODAC who helped me check my Optium with their positive and negative controls and they were perfect. So stuck to Optium and readings were ok so far, managed to achieve my pre- and post-prandial targets (phewwwww, all the stress from earlier!). And with all the food restriction, I can finally eat a bit more and not feel so guilty. So weight gain at week 29 was 61kg (from pre-preg weight of 55.5kg) –> week 33 was 61.5kg (from pre-preg weight of 55.5kg), and apparently I’m BELOW the expected weight gain for now. But thankfully baby is growing ok – estimated weight at week 29 was 1.4kg –> at week 33 was 2kg, which are both within targets. Maybe this GDM diet control is helping mummy lose the excess fat/ weight (esp with how conscious I am about my diet right now, ensuring I have my sufficient macros, while cutting down on carbs/ sugars) and the daily walks/ exercises haha. which is a good thing. And yes, feeling like a whale these days, the bump is feeling so much heavier these days. And baby A is SOOOOO active, feeling all his movements, his kicks, jabs, punches.

23 March 2025: GA 15+6 weeks

Started my baby aspirin last week, after admitting for an aspirin desensitization challenge in a high-dependency ward setting.

Life has been better this trimester – gone are the n/v days (thankfully). Now trying to eat well for the baby. We have also been jokingly coming up with baby names (even though we do not know the sex of our baby yet). Also started window shopping for some necessities, such as a baby stroller. Never knew that we’ll be going through this one day (and so soon).

not FOMO when people are announcing this pregnancy on social media, instagram, or even resorting to gender reveal parties (which by the way, should be a sex reveal party. The sex of the baby does not determine his/ her gender). It is just not our kind of thing (even my good friends around me know). Some of them have even told me to secretly pass them something “blue” or “pink” quietly when I know the sex of the baby (lol).

Pregnancy – it is a personal private issue that I only wish to share with the closest around me (plus, by oversharing, you’ll risk rubbing it into the faces of some who are also having difficulty conceiving or TTC). So there, you’ll probably not hear or read about it on my social media.

660: You are Worth More Than Maybes

“Say something I’m giving up on you.”

Feels like deja vu all over again, just like what happened 6 years ago. The peaks and troughs, the rollercoaster ride of emotions, they hold you up so high (and it was magical), and then you’re suddenly at a deep low, no answers, just lost. And then they ghost. They disappear from your life, they don’t reply your messages or merely appear disinterested but yet, they secretly ‘stalk’ to see how you are doing on your social media accounts.

“You are worth more than almosts. You are worth more than likes on instagram and snaps. You are worth more than random texts and inconsistent behavior. You are worth more than someone who texts back days later or forgets to respond. You are worth more than poor communication and broken promises.”

As I look back and think about all those that you’ve written, it feels like ‘crap’ now. You’re just another loser, another jerk, another douchebag who is undeserving of my love. Perhaps I’m a diehard hopeless romantic. But this is not how you should be treating a girl if you truly like her (what about “I like you too much for that?” crap.

Maybe you had options. And I was just one of them, or that you were just trying your luck (and it happened to be an easy-getter, you derive no enjoyment out of it).

“You are worth more than sometimes. You are worth more than being a second choice. You are worth more than someone who occasionally makes time for you. You are worth more than someone who doesn’t make an effort to be in your life more or try to spend more time with you. You are worth more than someone who keeps you guessing and waiting because they’re not clear. You are worth more than someone who cares more about their other options than you.”

Obviously. I know that. But I don’t why I keep going back to you again and again. Wishing you could just reply that you’ve thought things through and you wanted something more than what it is right now. Because right now, I’m a mess. I’m so utterly confused by what you want.

Because, girl…

“You are worth more than questions. You deserve answers. You deserve someone who shows up and doesn’t make you doubt yourself. You are worth more than someone who keeps playing games and is still trying to figure out how they feel about you. You deserve someone who is strong enough for you. Someone who holds on. Someone who doesn’t let go easily.

You are worth more than sweet nothings. You deserve more than just a few compliments or drunk texts. You deserve more than someone who keeps leading you on but never follows up. You are worth more than someone who keeps promising you love but goes on to break your heart. You are worth more than someone who leaves. You deserve someone who stays.

You are worth more than half-hearted love. You are worth more than someone who makes you cry or someone who makes you give up on love. You are worth more than someone who keeps you staring at your phone waiting for a text or a call. You are worth more than someone who doesn’t know how to love you.

You are worth more than goodbyes. You are worth more than rejections or someone who picks someone else over you. You deserve more than someone who decided to quit, someone who walked away too fast and someone who left without closure. You are worth more than someone who didn’t choose you. You deserve to be someone’s only choice.”

And if this guy does not see you as what you are, walk away. You deserve better. Don’t think. Living well is the best revenge right now. And I wish you well, if that’s how you’re treating every lady, you don’t deserve any love at all.

 

659: How do you start trusting again?

Years and months on, I think it’s time to be honest with myself that things will never be the same as before. Sometimes, we all need a break, away in a place, all alone, to figure everything out. The 4 months of intensive schooling was a good ‘break’, because I was kept too busy to even think about ‘matters’ (I would often use my studying as ‘excuses’). And then, came the recent holidays (post-exams) and I asked myself what I truly wanted in my life.

So I’ve decided to come clean on my life today. This was a deep dark secret that I have buried in my heart for years/months – I was afraid of being judged (by family, by close friends, by colleagues, by classmates, by mutual friends). But this was bothering me for such a long time that I’ve finally decided that I needed a ‘break’, I needed to walk away, I needed to break free.

I may have appeared ‘positive’ or ‘happy’ in my social media life (Instagram and all – but IG is probably just 5-10% of my actual life, it’s really not all so rosy/pretty), but it was probably all a ‘cover or mask’ for all the hurt and sadness that I’m going through all these while.

Have you had the closest people in your life turn against you in the most unimaginable manner ever? The ones who are close enough to make a mess out of your life, the ones whom you confide in, are intimate with. That someone who make you fall in love for the very first time, make you feel like what it’s like to have butterflies in your stomach, that someone who will be the definition of your happiness, the someone who will hold your hand like they will never let you go and will make you feel wanted and needed. One day, that someone will come into your life to change who you are and make you realize that you don’t need anyone else. As long as there is someone who loves you – that is enough.

But one day, you’re so special. The next day, you’re no longer.

So how do you trust again? How do you trust after a betrayal or infidelity?

God knows what happened – there was a period of time when I struggled with myself, with my feelings (on whether I should walk away). I was living in the ‘dark’ emo days – I could clearly remember the morning I cried on the train home after a long tiring 12-hours night shift. How do you trust someone who has not once or twice (but possibly many times) broken your heart again and again? I was foolish enough to forgive for the 1st and the 2nd time (even though I really felt like walking away then). But I honestly don’t wish to make the same mistake again. Our mutual friends probably do not know this part of my story nor do I wish to wash ‘dirty linen’ in public, but honestly, I’ve really had enough. Could it be that I have given way too much in the past or have been too nice? A leopard really doesn’t change its spots, does it?

I’m not going to sit here and cry about it. But I am all about gaining clarity in my life, and having your relationships flipped on you the way you have experienced, leading you to being hardened to a certain degree.

How do you learn to trust again?

I think the answer lies in trusting your instincts. Honing your intuitive abilities and taking that leap of faith again. Betrayal is no joke. We’re never really prepared for it when it comes. It hits us and then you’re left picking up the pieces. It’s a decision to make. When someone makes a decision that is particularly destructive, you have to make a decision yourself – to walk away or not.

I mean things do happen for a reason, people come into your life for a reason. Some come to our lives but sooner or later, they may leave. Those who truly do want to stay on in your lives do. But for now, self-love is the most important type of love you can work on in your life. There’s probably some positive light to being betrayed – it opens your eyes, it tests your resilience, opens up opportunities to start over in your life or focus on the next big thing in your life (eg. my studies).

How to trust again? Trust is a beautiful thing AND I have faith that it will reappear in my life when the right circumstances allow for it. But for now I have to just navigate through life and only trust myself. Keep calm and go on. Keep breathing. All those people who came to your life have their own purpose. Don’t give up. Always make room for others in your heart because you can never know the impact that someone can make on your life.

I may not always make the right decisions, but at least I know my choices have my best interests at heart. All the other matters are secondary for now (our families and mutual friends etc). Because I need to love myself more.

Right now, I think I may have finally summoned the courage to walk away.

Be happy for Rina, will you? 🙂

657: Stressed Out

“Stressed Out”

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

656: 9th January

And so one weekend evening, I cooked dinner of nyonya chap chye, sweet and sour pork and baked beans with egg.

656: 8th January

Woke up disappointed that I had no motivation for the weekend, decided to take on the world early with a 10km run!

Some good news but I don’t know, why are you affecting my every emotion? Sigh, I feel crippled.

There are some issues which i’m still avoiding until now. Family and a close friend have brought it to my attention and I’ve chosen to ignore it. It isn’t that I am not aware of it, I just don’t have the courage to face it. I’m afraid that everything will change from then on, and I’ll lose everything I have at the moment, I’ll lose you and everyone else.

It’s so foolish of me, I know. Because I’m willing to give everything a chance and just trust. After all, ignorance is bliss. I’m such a silly foolish girl, blinded by everything.

But because I’m afraid everything will change, I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.

I’m willing to lay my trust that you’ll give me that very bit of respect, that you have that little bit of self-respect.

I pray.

Goodnight.

 

 

655: 7th January

backdating entries, but spent the entire day all by myself. Me-time?

Woke up late but struggled for a short 7.5km around the hood, came home to a cup of matcha latte 🙂

   
  Headed out, dressed up, deviating from the usual shorts & tee and with my new pair of shoes!

  
  Came home to make a poached salmon with dill sauce for dinner!  
 Ended off with a random chocolate chips cookies bake 🙂  

654: Disappointed

You know, I can’t help feeling disappointed. T’was looking forward to the weekends but it’s going to be another lonely lonely weekend.