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658: change


So after these 2 weeks away on the mountains and back with new perspectives, I’ve realised that I’ve changed, for the better. 

I sense that I am letting go. I’ve asked myself previously why didn’t I walk away when you chose to hurt me (not once, but many times) so and why did I choose to stay on despite all these. I’ve been the silliest girl around!

Perhaps it boiled down to insecurity then, I realized I wasn’t loving myself as much as I was supposed to. But now, I do (more). I’m living life for myself. You are YOUR OWN sunshine and nobody should dull your sunshine.

But it’s become so much clearer to me now. Things have changed, my heart does not feel the same as before. 

So for this, I’m walking away from the people who were not meant to stay on in my life. 

And I hope you’ll learn your ways, learn to be more independent, learn to be less childish because I was suffocating living under. Perhaps all these were done because you knew you were losing me. When everything becomes an obsession… Too much of an obsession… An unhealthy obsession.

I will like to wish you well. Goodbye.

For now, I’m focusing on the good, the people who truly matter and yes, an important phase of my life! Keep calm and study on! Conquer the next 2 years🙂

657: Stressed Out

“Stressed Out”

I wish I found some better sounds no one’s ever heard,
I wish I had a better voice that sang some better words,
I wish I found some chords in an order that is new,
I wish I didn’t have to rhyme every time I sang,

I was told when I get older all my fears would shrink,
But now I’m insecure and I care what people think.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We’re stressed out.

Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young,
How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from,
I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it,
Try to sell it, never sell out of it, I’d probably only sell one,

It’d be to my brother, ’cause we have the same nose,
Same clothes homegrown a stone’s throw from a creek we used to roam,
But it would remind us of when nothing really mattered,
Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter.

My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.
My name’s ‘Blurryface’ and I care what you think.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.
Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days,
When our momma sang us to sleep but now we’re stressed out.

Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
Used to play pretend, used to play pretend, bunny
We used to play pretend, wake up, you need the money
We used to play pretend, give each other different names,
We would build a rocket ship and then we’d fly it far away,
Used to dream of outer space but now they’re laughing at our face,
Saying, “Wake up, you need to make money.”
Yo.

656: 9th January

And so one weekend evening, I cooked dinner of nyonya chap chye, sweet and sour pork and baked beans with egg as requested by the folks:)

656: 8th January

Woke up disappointed that I had no motivation for the weekend, decided to take on the world early with a 10km run!

Some good news but I don’t know, why are you affecting my every emotion? Sigh, I feel crippled.

There are some issues which i’m still avoiding until now. Family and a close friend have brought it to my attention and I’ve chosen to ignore it. It isn’t that I am not aware of it, I just don’t have the courage to face it. I’m afraid that everything will change from then on, and I’ll lose everything I have at the moment, I’ll lose you and everyone else.

It’s so foolish of me, I know. Because I’m willing to give everything a chance and just trust. After all, ignorance is bliss. I’m such a silly foolish girl, blinded by everything.

But because I’m afraid everything will change, I’m afraid I’ll lose everything.

I’m willing to lay my trust that you’ll give me that very bit of respect, that you have that little bit of self-respect.

I pray.

Goodnight.

 

 

655: 7th January 

backdating entries, but spent the entire day all by myself. Me-time?

Woke up late but struggled for a short 7.5km around the hood, came home to a cup of matcha latte🙂

   
  Headed out, dressed up, deviating from the usual shorts & tee and with my new pair of shoes!

  
  Came home to make a poached salmon with dill sauce for dinner!  
 Ended off with a random chocolate chips cookies bake :)  

654: Disappointed

You know, I can’t help feeling disappointed. T’was looking forward to the weekends but it’s going to be another lonely lonely weekend.

651: Human

I feel happy again.

The initial tension before the breaking of the ice, appreciating every word, touch and smile we share.

It’s the people around you who matter.

Thank you for making me happy and blessed again.

650: Trust

So they say, “Trust is a decision. Trust is the waking, conscious choice to invest in another human being because you know that even if they betray you, you’ll be okay.”

We are an extremely infidelious nation.

We work hard to build up lives that we’re proud of: jobs we’re happy with, homes we cherish, friends and families who surround us with love. The possibility of inviting another person in to share in all of that, without the guarantee that it’s going to work out, can be paralyzing. How do we know they won’t turn on us? How do we know it’ll work out?

And the truth is, we don’t. Whether or not we can trust someone will always be a tough bet to wager. But it’s also a futile guessing game. And it’s one that can destroy your entire relationship before it even begins.

Just two days back, I felt like such a big fool, it’s the point when you realized that your entire life has been a huge mistake from the start, when you’ve misplaced your trust in someone you trust so much.

And you start doubting anyone and EVERYYONE, you start thinking if it’s because you suck at judging someone, to allow someone that close to you, to end up hurting your heart.

Just like I asked “Can I trust you?” anymore…

I have so many burning questions, so many wandering thoughts. All the talk and promises, are they for real? If they were, why do I feel like I do not know you at all? Why do I find that there’s so many sides of you I wished I had knew earlier before I made the decisions I had to in life. I had to run away, to walk away from everything because I don’t think my heart deserves to be broken like that.

So many burning questions, like why you do the things you do (and if I really wish to know what exactly they are), why do people lie (and how I’ve been treated like a stupid fool all along), why do you make me feel as if you’re such a stranger (and I barely know you now)… Perhaps everything has lost its novelty with time, perhaps you want excitement, perhaps I’m not doing well enough…?

I may not be perfect (who is?), but were all the dreams we’ve painted all lies from the past? Were all the words you’ve said all just words (and lies)?

So many questions I’ve been dying to ask…

But because I care too much just to walk away, I wanted to know the reasons why you’re doing so. That this was probably a mistake you made in your course of life and that you were willing to change, and that if you cared, you wouldn’t want to break my heart again. Because I care too much, I believe in the innate goodness of human relationships, I am willing to give people chances to change, only if they are truly sincere and genuine to.

If I gave you one, will you?

And if you were in my shoes, what will you do?

 

 

648: 感动

Achievement unlocked – conquered my fear, presented in front of a crowd of close to 100, sharing something very close to my heart.

I can’t help tearing after that.

It was a speech I made to my sister on her wedding day.

 

645: Picnic time!:)   

   
 

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